Read his piece
below.
I know the hidden
agenda of Kim Kardashian, Nikki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez. Yes, I know.
These ladies are
jealous of Mercy Johnson, Yvonne Okoro and one of my female relatives in the
village.
Na today real
Black women don dey get Big Yansh? Why the sudden obsession with Kim
Kardashian’s butt by the Western World? Ehn?
And the funny
thing is, oyinbo women are now getting butt transplants while those who can’t
afford it are using butt pads, or Yansh Pads as we term it here sometimes.
Now, this is the
humour when it comes to Nigerian and perhaps African women. When God made the
African woman, he might have taken an extra rib from Adam to bless the African
women in most parts of the continent. That is why South African women
have….(*speechless)
Narrowing it down
to Nigeria and the ethnic groups, it is debatable but research has shown that
Yoruba ladies just might have the biggest butts in Nigeria. I am likely to
concur with this because ever since I was born and all the years I was growing
up, the only images of Yoruba women I could remember from the black and white
music clips of those days and Owambe Parties, were images of some bad ass
conservative butt shaking which never got one’s parents incensed enough to
switch off the television lest we got ‘spoilt’ but would sooner ask us to close
our eyes when images of oyinbos kissing came on the screen.
In fact, when I
first watched a clip of Fela Kuti’s stage performance in 1977 or 1978 on NTV (
as it was called then), it wasn’t the ‘shakara, shakara’ chorus he was singing
which caught my fancy. It was the unbridled butt shaking of his dancing girls
which tormented my poor, young innocent soul for years.
Then, Charly Boy
came in 1987, with his outrageous music video, ‘Big Bottom’ and not even the
morally-correct NTA could ban it off the airwaves then even with the tempting
close-ups of women with Big Yanshes in that video. Then one lady singer called
Uche Ibeto released a video titled ‘Jigida’ where she did some provocative butt
shaking as she screamed in a simulated moan ‘ligiligi, ligiligi, sha, sha, sha!
‘. And no one banned that video then because it ‘projected an African dance’.
Back to the meat
of my story, today’s fashion is a conspiracy to ensure that Butt-om Power will
keep on ruling. Everything with women’s fashion seems to bring out the shape of
their butts these days. And the Kim Ks and Nikki Minajs are there to help you
out, if you have any doubts.
Sadly, in
Nigeria, I am told that Butt Pads for ladies are in high demand in the market.
Why? Because many young ladies want to have butts like Kim Kardashian.
I need to ask why
an African lady would want to put on artificial pads on what has naturally been
padded from heaven. Because of Kim?
Fela Kuti did
sing that the African People’s problems start from the back. ‘Na from BACK
yioooooo’.
Don’t get me
wrong. I appreciate butt. Good butt. And for those who got it among the ladies,
thank God for ‘butt’ering your bread. But when butts are being used now as
weapons of distraction, Houston, we have a problem!
Why did I write
this satire today? Two days ago, at Garki 2, a young lady with well-formed hips
came out of a building and stood by the road to flag down a taxi. I tell you,
Kim K has nothing on this woman’s butt and I wasn’t looking at her o. I was
humming Tisha Cobbs ‘Break Every Chain’ when I saw her. The next thing I knew,
an SUV rammed me from behind. Gbosa!
A well-dressed
young man came out and apologised profusely as I looked at my dented rear
bumper. Whilst apologising, he kept glancing at the young lady a few metres
away.
‘Mr Man!’ I said,
‘before Yansh will kill you, go and meet that girl and take her contacts so
that you will know that the bills you will pay for fixing my dent will be worth
it!’
The Guy nor
slack. He went to the Lady and a couple of minutes later, they both walked back
to his SUV.
I don’t care to
know what went down with him and the endowed lass but all I know is that I have
a new rear bumper at his expense which was fixed yesterday.
Obviously that
kind of person would not care to pay for bumpers. What with the way he rammed
my car from behind, it doesn’t take much imagination to visualise the other
types of ramming he loves doing behind closed doors.
 |
| Charles Novia |
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